Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.