Lmfao
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forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voil脿! murder scene
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I just bought one share of stock. I鈥檓 a finance bro now.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 馃ぃ
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
See..?
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lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Pretty much. 馃ぃ
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
If you were a burger, I鈥檇 throw you in the trash.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I鈥檓 starting to suspect it鈥檚 because he forgot her name.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I鈥檝e really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.