If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP