To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”