Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what