product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.