[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Just a phase…
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”