wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.