My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*