a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.