“The Perfect Relationship”
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Check out the legs on this baby
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.