You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My sex drive has a dui
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*