you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.