Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
one of
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable