Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash