CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands