Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Saturday
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
is nasa ok
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence