Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
real
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.