Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.