Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
how high up are we talkin’?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.