I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[eats all your cotton candy]
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?