*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
You Might Also Like
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.