Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window