They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
You Might Also Like
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I triple waxed for this?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.