I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
ok this is my dumbest yet
Cat.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.