Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
my first day as a raccoon
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men