Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Lmaoo 😂
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?