Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so