A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Beauty and the Beast
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”