I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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Venn
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
lol
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.