An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
You Might Also Like
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.