I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
They got a point!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*