ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”