You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.