Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
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Me: Same
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.