those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…