What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.