The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
getting corrected
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.