Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.