Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
January has been Januweary
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Very good! 👍😂
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare