My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You Might Also Like
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one