Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.