Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.