Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
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Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Put my back out twerking in the library again
c’mon!
Gods work.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Breaking news:
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Brilliant!
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.