Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.