Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
this could fix me
#Caturday
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.