“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You Might Also Like
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.