Rambo Rambow
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.