[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
just having fun
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.