I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Not all heroes wear capes…
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.