Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me and my fake scenarios
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”